What it could be

I've never been fully comfortable with the unexpected nature of holidays much less the two big ones, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every year I feel the dread pour over me. It's an awkward torture. I never know where I'm going to be and with who. I don't know what to buy and what to bring. I went crazy overboard in the beginning and then learned a hard lesson in humility immediately following.
There was the year that I painstakingly picked out the top photographs of my friend's wedding, placed them in a beautiful frame and presented them on Christmas day. It killed me when they waited to open the package. I have no patience when it comes gifts. When they finally did open it they were touched. As was I. How lucky to be able to give someone something you know they want. Of course, they weren't expecting a gift from me. I realized this later (as is normally the case) and I hasten to add that the gift they gave me in return, moisturizer and a pair of underwear was probably an after thought.
It didn't matter to me. It never does. Because it's almost always like that.
What I've come to understand about the holiday that is Christmas is this : People who celebrate it with their family are at a disadvantage. I know. Sounds strange right? Let me explain.

I grew up being told Christmas was a sin. We didn't just not celebrate it. We were told to God would be angry with us if we took part in it. After finally, finally removing all that guilt and fear I can now see it for what it is : A magical gifting holiday.

Think of it. The positive phrases, Joy To The Earth, May Joy and Love Fill You Heart, Make Your Spirits Bright. Wish- that's from Starbucks, Starbucks for Christ sake!!
But you won't see it. You will be scrambling for that last minute gift. Downing a coffee before you have to pick up the kids somewhere.

No, I'm never going to have a family who will send cards, tell me to make sure to be there on the big day and call me on my birthday or any other holiday for that matter. But I also don't feel the pressure. I don't have to think about some relative I never liked. I don't have to spend time shopping with hoards of people. I don't have to buy an over priced ticket to a place that you know is a lot colder than California.

How delightful the colors are. Everything comes to life. Little miniature villages, trains, and peoples. Red. Gold. Silver. Green. All the lights.

People who can't grow a plant to save their lives bring a giant tree into their house! The smell of those pine needles. MMM. Reminds me of the bushes in our yard when I was a child. I would rub the cedar leaves between my fingers to get the smell onto my hands.

What about those gifts? How wonderful to be able to choose who you want to give a gift to. That's where I'm at now. Because I am certain that most of my friends will be thinking of their family, not me. In turn, if something strikes my fancy a cd or book I can get it for them. It's a bonus not an obligation. Also when I'm in a relationship I can spoil my partner rotten. I do mean rotten too. I can be there for all of their family events. I can shop for them exclusively (think bigger gifts) and I get to learn all about someone else rituals and traditions. Every family seems to have them.

Ironically this will be the first year I don't get a tree and buy gifts. I did one better. I bought tickets for my mother and niece to come see me. It was a strategic. I wanted to be with them during the holiday and since my niece will be doing nothing anyway I wanted to spend the time with her. We'll go skating, to Cirque Du Soliel, watch kid movies and go for Chinese food. It will be my secret gift to them. And my gift to me.

That's all I want for Christmas.