Goodbye November

Tomorrow is the last day of November. I expected more from myself in the writing department this month but, it didn't happen. My schedule was jam packed right up until the Thanksgiving holiday. That's ok. It's always slow and then super busy. That's just the way things are in the service industry now. You can't gauge it.

Either way, I can report that last month was an eye opening experience. For the most part I didn't write about it because I found it difficult to put into words. How do you explain watching your emotions like a movie on a screen ?

That's what I did. I allowed myself the opportunity to see things I hadn't seen before. I opened myself to the what if in certain moments. I'm not sure if this happened because I decided I would be thankful for things or because I'm not dating. Who knows. All I can say is instead of expecting something, an outcome or whatever I sat back and watched what happened when I wanted something.

For instance. I went to the documentary film festival at the Roxie every night for almost two weeks. One particular night I was sitting in the back row watching a couple in front of me. I don't remember the guy so much (go figure) but, I remember the girl. She was very pretty with long hair stuffed under a hat and a slim figure. I watched the two of them talking. I realized my attraction and said to myself, "ok, why am I attracted, what is it about this person?" I thought if I can start to isolate things that I'm attracted to, particulars, hopefully I can start to understand what it is that attracts me. I know that I'm often drawn to people on the younger side. Regardless, I sat back and let my mind noodle it out.

First there was the facial feature, soft and slight. Then the style, hipster and edgy. Then...well then there was a wierd laugh. I lost interest. In that moment I amused myself. Why does an odd laugh cause me to lose interest? Am I that shallow? Probably yes. But that doesn't mean I'm truly shallow. Perhaps it means something inside of me is afraid of being with someone who might embarrass me maybe because I'm insecure? Who knows.

Whatever the truth of it I gave myself permission to look closer. And I realized
Lesson 1 : I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with someone amazing because I became turned off by something they can't control, ie a laugh.

After that night I started watching myself more, letting my thoughts float to wherever they wanted but being mindful of judgements and assessments I've made. It's been freeing in many respects.


This wasn't exactly where I was going this month so it was a nice surprise.