Thought I would post this little vid I saw. It reminded me of what it's like to do something scary for the first time. First the fear then the joy out of completely letting go.
That and I have a sick sense of humor.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Goodbye November
Tomorrow is the last day of November. I expected more from myself in the writing department this month but, it didn't happen. My schedule was jam packed right up until the Thanksgiving holiday. That's ok. It's always slow and then super busy. That's just the way things are in the service industry now. You can't gauge it.
Either way, I can report that last month was an eye opening experience. For the most part I didn't write about it because I found it difficult to put into words. How do you explain watching your emotions like a movie on a screen ?
That's what I did. I allowed myself the opportunity to see things I hadn't seen before. I opened myself to the what if in certain moments. I'm not sure if this happened because I decided I would be thankful for things or because I'm not dating. Who knows. All I can say is instead of expecting something, an outcome or whatever I sat back and watched what happened when I wanted something.
For instance. I went to the documentary film festival at the Roxie every night for almost two weeks. One particular night I was sitting in the back row watching a couple in front of me. I don't remember the guy so much (go figure) but, I remember the girl. She was very pretty with long hair stuffed under a hat and a slim figure. I watched the two of them talking. I realized my attraction and said to myself, "ok, why am I attracted, what is it about this person?" I thought if I can start to isolate things that I'm attracted to, particulars, hopefully I can start to understand what it is that attracts me. I know that I'm often drawn to people on the younger side. Regardless, I sat back and let my mind noodle it out.
First there was the facial feature, soft and slight. Then the style, hipster and edgy. Then...well then there was a wierd laugh. I lost interest. In that moment I amused myself. Why does an odd laugh cause me to lose interest? Am I that shallow? Probably yes. But that doesn't mean I'm truly shallow. Perhaps it means something inside of me is afraid of being with someone who might embarrass me maybe because I'm insecure? Who knows.
Whatever the truth of it I gave myself permission to look closer. And I realized
Lesson 1 : I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with someone amazing because I became turned off by something they can't control, ie a laugh.
After that night I started watching myself more, letting my thoughts float to wherever they wanted but being mindful of judgements and assessments I've made. It's been freeing in many respects.
This wasn't exactly where I was going this month so it was a nice surprise.
Either way, I can report that last month was an eye opening experience. For the most part I didn't write about it because I found it difficult to put into words. How do you explain watching your emotions like a movie on a screen ?
That's what I did. I allowed myself the opportunity to see things I hadn't seen before. I opened myself to the what if in certain moments. I'm not sure if this happened because I decided I would be thankful for things or because I'm not dating. Who knows. All I can say is instead of expecting something, an outcome or whatever I sat back and watched what happened when I wanted something.
For instance. I went to the documentary film festival at the Roxie every night for almost two weeks. One particular night I was sitting in the back row watching a couple in front of me. I don't remember the guy so much (go figure) but, I remember the girl. She was very pretty with long hair stuffed under a hat and a slim figure. I watched the two of them talking. I realized my attraction and said to myself, "ok, why am I attracted, what is it about this person?" I thought if I can start to isolate things that I'm attracted to, particulars, hopefully I can start to understand what it is that attracts me. I know that I'm often drawn to people on the younger side. Regardless, I sat back and let my mind noodle it out.
First there was the facial feature, soft and slight. Then the style, hipster and edgy. Then...well then there was a wierd laugh. I lost interest. In that moment I amused myself. Why does an odd laugh cause me to lose interest? Am I that shallow? Probably yes. But that doesn't mean I'm truly shallow. Perhaps it means something inside of me is afraid of being with someone who might embarrass me maybe because I'm insecure? Who knows.
Whatever the truth of it I gave myself permission to look closer. And I realized
Lesson 1 : I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with someone amazing because I became turned off by something they can't control, ie a laugh.
After that night I started watching myself more, letting my thoughts float to wherever they wanted but being mindful of judgements and assessments I've made. It's been freeing in many respects.
This wasn't exactly where I was going this month so it was a nice surprise.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What it could be
I've never been fully comfortable with the unexpected nature of holidays much less the two big ones, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every year I feel the dread pour over me. It's an awkward torture. I never know where I'm going to be and with who. I don't know what to buy and what to bring. I went crazy overboard in the beginning and then learned a hard lesson in humility immediately following.
There was the year that I painstakingly picked out the top photographs of my friend's wedding, placed them in a beautiful frame and presented them on Christmas day. It killed me when they waited to open the package. I have no patience when it comes gifts. When they finally did open it they were touched. As was I. How lucky to be able to give someone something you know they want. Of course, they weren't expecting a gift from me. I realized this later (as is normally the case) and I hasten to add that the gift they gave me in return, moisturizer and a pair of underwear was probably an after thought.
It didn't matter to me. It never does. Because it's almost always like that.
What I've come to understand about the holiday that is Christmas is this : People who celebrate it with their family are at a disadvantage. I know. Sounds strange right? Let me explain.
I grew up being told Christmas was a sin. We didn't just not celebrate it. We were told to God would be angry with us if we took part in it. After finally, finally removing all that guilt and fear I can now see it for what it is : A magical gifting holiday.
Think of it. The positive phrases, Joy To The Earth, May Joy and Love Fill You Heart, Make Your Spirits Bright. Wish- that's from Starbucks, Starbucks for Christ sake!!
But you won't see it. You will be scrambling for that last minute gift. Downing a coffee before you have to pick up the kids somewhere.
No, I'm never going to have a family who will send cards, tell me to make sure to be there on the big day and call me on my birthday or any other holiday for that matter. But I also don't feel the pressure. I don't have to think about some relative I never liked. I don't have to spend time shopping with hoards of people. I don't have to buy an over priced ticket to a place that you know is a lot colder than California.
How delightful the colors are. Everything comes to life. Little miniature villages, trains, and peoples. Red. Gold. Silver. Green. All the lights.
People who can't grow a plant to save their lives bring a giant tree into their house! The smell of those pine needles. MMM. Reminds me of the bushes in our yard when I was a child. I would rub the cedar leaves between my fingers to get the smell onto my hands.
What about those gifts? How wonderful to be able to choose who you want to give a gift to. That's where I'm at now. Because I am certain that most of my friends will be thinking of their family, not me. In turn, if something strikes my fancy a cd or book I can get it for them. It's a bonus not an obligation. Also when I'm in a relationship I can spoil my partner rotten. I do mean rotten too. I can be there for all of their family events. I can shop for them exclusively (think bigger gifts) and I get to learn all about someone else rituals and traditions. Every family seems to have them.
Ironically this will be the first year I don't get a tree and buy gifts. I did one better. I bought tickets for my mother and niece to come see me. It was a strategic. I wanted to be with them during the holiday and since my niece will be doing nothing anyway I wanted to spend the time with her. We'll go skating, to Cirque Du Soliel, watch kid movies and go for Chinese food. It will be my secret gift to them. And my gift to me.
That's all I want for Christmas.
There was the year that I painstakingly picked out the top photographs of my friend's wedding, placed them in a beautiful frame and presented them on Christmas day. It killed me when they waited to open the package. I have no patience when it comes gifts. When they finally did open it they were touched. As was I. How lucky to be able to give someone something you know they want. Of course, they weren't expecting a gift from me. I realized this later (as is normally the case) and I hasten to add that the gift they gave me in return, moisturizer and a pair of underwear was probably an after thought.
It didn't matter to me. It never does. Because it's almost always like that.
What I've come to understand about the holiday that is Christmas is this : People who celebrate it with their family are at a disadvantage. I know. Sounds strange right? Let me explain.
I grew up being told Christmas was a sin. We didn't just not celebrate it. We were told to God would be angry with us if we took part in it. After finally, finally removing all that guilt and fear I can now see it for what it is : A magical gifting holiday.
Think of it. The positive phrases, Joy To The Earth, May Joy and Love Fill You Heart, Make Your Spirits Bright. Wish- that's from Starbucks, Starbucks for Christ sake!!
But you won't see it. You will be scrambling for that last minute gift. Downing a coffee before you have to pick up the kids somewhere.
No, I'm never going to have a family who will send cards, tell me to make sure to be there on the big day and call me on my birthday or any other holiday for that matter. But I also don't feel the pressure. I don't have to think about some relative I never liked. I don't have to spend time shopping with hoards of people. I don't have to buy an over priced ticket to a place that you know is a lot colder than California.
How delightful the colors are. Everything comes to life. Little miniature villages, trains, and peoples. Red. Gold. Silver. Green. All the lights.
People who can't grow a plant to save their lives bring a giant tree into their house! The smell of those pine needles. MMM. Reminds me of the bushes in our yard when I was a child. I would rub the cedar leaves between my fingers to get the smell onto my hands.
What about those gifts? How wonderful to be able to choose who you want to give a gift to. That's where I'm at now. Because I am certain that most of my friends will be thinking of their family, not me. In turn, if something strikes my fancy a cd or book I can get it for them. It's a bonus not an obligation. Also when I'm in a relationship I can spoil my partner rotten. I do mean rotten too. I can be there for all of their family events. I can shop for them exclusively (think bigger gifts) and I get to learn all about someone else rituals and traditions. Every family seems to have them.
Ironically this will be the first year I don't get a tree and buy gifts. I did one better. I bought tickets for my mother and niece to come see me. It was a strategic. I wanted to be with them during the holiday and since my niece will be doing nothing anyway I wanted to spend the time with her. We'll go skating, to Cirque Du Soliel, watch kid movies and go for Chinese food. It will be my secret gift to them. And my gift to me.
That's all I want for Christmas.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Just Do It!
I took this photo of Andy, Eva and Emma on the beach in Santa Cruz
Is it odd to have a best friend who is twice your age and then some?
My friend Andy is 75 and the only reason I'm not using his full name on this blog is because he is a well known presence in the world. At least, if you're in technology or if you happen to be Jewish.
How we came to be friends has a lot to do with time and place. But also, interests and opinions. Andy is a rock for me. A solid person who is always available. Well mostly available. So many people demand his time it's amazing he returns my calls.
I in turn am his therapist. The obvious connection here is therapy. His and mine. Sounds odd but the mix works. The catalyst was Andy's desire for me to finish my education. Both him and Eva pushed me to go back to school. They even offered to help.
It wasn't until I was floating through various classes that I discovered my love of photography and videography and that it could be a viable career source.
I took a photojournalism course and ended up doing a photo essay about Andy. I still remember the instructor saying, "Think of where you have access, then make it happen!" I did and for 2 months I shadowed Andy through various events and meetings. Not to mention treatments and workouts. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's in the time I've known him. So that was my angle. How does someone who's famous handle a disease? Obviously the money is there but where is their mind and heart? Andy impressed upon me the effect of being totally honest with yourself. No self pitying or complaining just look it right in the eye and do what you have to do. It's an incredible testament to who he is.
After my essay was done my instructor approached me about doing a story for Time magazine. He was sure they would want the photos. One in particular is a very vulnerable shot which I could only have gotten through ultimate trust.
I've found over time that my connection to the subject creates my photo. If I care about you, it's easy to see it reflected back.
They are now like family to me and over the years him and his wife Eva have opened my eyes to new understandings of the world. They took me to plays and the opera. Which, I didn't even know I liked till I met them. We like talking about politics, religion and relationships. I like to think he gets a kick out of my exploits in the realm of dating. Whereas Eva seems amused and worried.
But the issue I've always had being friends with them is wondering how it fits. More importantly, how do I fit in this situation? I love them and they love me. But, how do I express that feeling? I stay at their house, watch movies, talk for hours but I'm constantly reminding myself that I am NOT family.
I mentioned this to Andy yesterday. We are that open with each other.
He looked at the ground, mulling over what I had just told him, looked up and said, "you are family, we love you." The he grabbed my shoulders and looked straight into
eyes, "if I could change your past I would, but I can't and neither can you. Maybe that wouldn't be the right the thing to do anyway. I like how complicated and conflicted you are in your emotions. But you can express yourself to us. An email is nice. Think of Nike, just do it." he said smiling and bringing me in for a hug. Then he added, "It is what it is. You said that."
That was all I needed to hear just then.
Day 3 : Life Gets In The Way
I wish I could say I've been diligent in the only task I've given myself this month. Alas, life has a way of making things difficult.
The first night of my new shiny experiment I almost completely forgot I started it! Given the fact that I've created this ridiculous blog and plunged myself headlong into the months ahead I have to wonder.How is that possible?
I could easily blame it on an exam that was due in my Logic class the next morning. Except I didn't really study that hard. I mostly studied, danced around my apartment and drank white wine till midnight. Way to go Michelle.
In all fairness it is really hard to balance work and school. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. Never mind my interpersonal relationships. Good thing I'm not dating.
To make myself feel better I looked up the word fail on Google. Everyone fails. But some people get it on film.
It did the trick.
This one is favorite because those people have no idea. You can almost picture the horror in their eyes when they turn around. "mommy?"
Classic dog missing the hoop. What better way to sum up failure.
and last but not least...
"My mom can do the splits on a stripper pole!"
How proud are those kids going to be when they grow up? That's right, very.
The first night of my new shiny experiment I almost completely forgot I started it! Given the fact that I've created this ridiculous blog and plunged myself headlong into the months ahead I have to wonder.How is that possible?
I could easily blame it on an exam that was due in my Logic class the next morning. Except I didn't really study that hard. I mostly studied, danced around my apartment and drank white wine till midnight. Way to go Michelle.
In all fairness it is really hard to balance work and school. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. Never mind my interpersonal relationships. Good thing I'm not dating.
To make myself feel better I looked up the word fail on Google. Everyone fails. But some people get it on film.
It did the trick.
This one is favorite because those people have no idea. You can almost picture the horror in their eyes when they turn around. "mommy?"
Classic dog missing the hoop. What better way to sum up failure.
and last but not least...
"My mom can do the splits on a stripper pole!"
How proud are those kids going to be when they grow up? That's right, very.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Fresh Start Here
Ok it's officially November 9th! Woo Hoo!! One day after my birthday and the first day of my new intention experiment!
The more I've thought about the year I'm embarking on the more I've decided it is contrived and ridiculous. BUT, it is, in all it's flaws, my contrivance. Whether or not you agree that we can change our psychology through changing our behavior it is my choice to make. Honestly, I'm not sure either. All I know is I want change. And the only way to do that is to start with me. I can't move to a new location. I can't take a huge trip (which would have been my first choice) and I can't change my job. So I'm left with only me in all of my obligations and life struggles.
Here's the plan :
I will not date for one year
in that time I will pour all that negative/lonely energy into self actualizing behavior.
Month 1 : Attitude Gratitude Month
I will make a list of everything I'm thankful for each night before bed.
This is important because that's when I feel like something is missing in my life, at night.
Month 2 : I will make eye contact and smile to the people I encounter on the street.
This may seem silly but I believe it will help me connect to others outside of my friend base. This will be done within reason. I still live in SF.
Month 3 : Volunteer month
I hope to give back a little or as much as I can during this month.
Month 4-12 : TBA
I hope that I can be a better person when I'm finished. If that means I've changed a lot or a little, it doesn't matter. I want to see what happens when you choose to do things differently.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
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